Fuck marriage.

Recently, shit happened.
I wanted to hurt someone real bad because I was so angry, hurt and upset. I told someone who meant the world to me, and they told me if I ever did that they would have "kicked my ass out".
I was thinking about that today, and finally realized: this person who I loved from my very soul would actually hurt me to protect someone new who they barely know without hesitation.

Over a year and a half with the person I loved, and they would actually hit me.
A year and a fucking half and I don't mean anything. Not now, not ever. It wasn't a waste of my life, but what is it if it's not worth it in the end?
I wonder if he looks at his new toy and thinks "Maybe I would actually hit her"? Of course not. I'm sure he never thought of me like that when he actually liked me. Maybe one day he will think the same of her, and if he doesn't WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE HURT ME AND NOT HER?

After this, I won't ever fall in love the same way. I know I won't ever be the same. Every guy I date-no matter how crazy I am for them-I will ask myself what I would do in the end, and I know: I will never hurt them on purpose, even if I break up with them for another guy. Wait and give time. Patience & understanding.

At one time, I thought I would get married to someone I love. FUCK MARRIAGE. I'm too fucking young for that shit. I want to go out and have fun, drink until I pass out, be with new guys. Sometimes I feel confident like that, but I'm always reminded of what happened to me, and I cry and cry, because I feel like I could have been a better lover, a better person and a better friend.
I'm scared of my wedding day, because I don't think people marry for love. They marry because their too scared to be alone. Maybe you have dated people who you were more in love with, but in the end your stuck with someone.

Maybe one day I'll be ready to open myself up to someone new, share my deepest secrets, tell my stories and fall in love, but I know it wont be for a long time. Right now I feel like life is disposable and replaceable. Love is not acceptable, or maybe I don't want it. I hang out with a ton of guys and meet them, but I feel like it's just not worth it to fall in love.

In the words of Immortal Technique "don't fucking fall in love with people".