I'm sorry.

Do you know what it is like to not share a soul?
Do you know what it is like to lose your best friend?
I tell myself that there is someone else out there for me, but I don't know about fate anymore.
When your all alone, everyday is eternity stuck in limbo, and there's nothing you can do about it, so you just deal. And by deal I mean drink until you forget, have that cigarette, and watch another episode of Skins. When that fails, you have a quick cry and watch some more. What can you do eh? Just keep going because it's the only thing you can do.

I need to stop returning to my own vomit for good.

The past 2 years of my life have been a waste.
I don't care how "fun" things were at first, because in the end it was not worth it.
Everyday I wake up horrified at the betrayal my heart feels, and my nightmares I experience.
I don't want this anymore. I want the memories gone. I wish they never happened. I can't fucking get away from this tormented existence.
Everyday, I see trucks drive by and think about stepping out in front of them. When I ride my bike, I don't even check for cars anymore. When I'm cooking, I'm careless with the knife. When I take a bath, I hold my breath a little longer. When I need my inhaler, I don't take it.

Whoever said "it's better to have love and lost then never been loved at all" CLEARLY suffers from some sort of mental retardation or always was the one to stop loving the other first.
I want every single one of the memories gone. Not a single one is enough to make whatever I had worth it.

I can't believe all of this has happened. Did you know, they day it happened I spent the whole morning shopping for new sexy lingerie so we could have fun before the party that night?
Did you know, your last night here I waited up the whole night for you to call? You never did. Instead you visited the bitch. You spent your last night with someone you barely know, rather than with someone who loves you. You betrayed and abandoned me. How could you hurt another human being so deeply like that? It was wrong, so wrong what you did.

I want the memories gone. It hurts to much to bare and I can only carry so much weight in my heart. I want them gone, every last one. Someone get me out of this nightmare, I want it to end so badly.

School Fees

Just going through the list of random Student Organization Fees, and I discover that I pay .20 cents to go towards "Vagina Monologues". Wtf? lmao I just hope it's not some crazy feminist group that will set fire to me if they saw this....

INCEPTION

First of all, let me just say that Inception is a fantastic movie all-together. To be honest, I had my doubts and heard the little voice inside my head say "...I may just be sitting in the theater hating all 148 minutes of this..." Despite the bad first impressions, (that leave you feeling like Christopher Nolan tried to create another version of The Matrix) your soon completely caught up in the wild adventure.

I rate it 7.5 out of 1 - 10 Leonardo DiCaprio confused eyebrow looks. (Y)

Because of the background story involving kids and a wife, it really reminded me of Shutter Island. It also made me go "really?" when his children looked nothing like him or the mother.
No doubt Leonardo is a good actor, but I really thought Arthur (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) stole the show, hands down. It definitely made me smile when he and Ellen Page are in the hotel lobby and *tehe* :)

For the artsy-folks

One of my fav artists, although lesser known, is the infamous Yung-En Chen.

http://www.misterchen.net/

I hope this isn't illegal to do, but since I found some of his older works in a file hidden on my computer, I'll upload one of my favs.

Imagine you were illiterate. What might these signs tell you?


ALIENS ARN'T ALLOWED TO STALK WOMEN
ALIENS ARN'T ALLOWED TO RIDE SEGWAYS
WOMEN CAN USE FORCE-FIELD TO REPELL ALIENS
ALIENS MUST BE CAPTURED. CATCH EM ALL!

Mi casa es tu casa.

I really like to cook, and I strongly believe the kitchen is the center of a household. I like being a hostess and welcoming friends to my home. (If only my house was a little-less intimidating to go too!) Sometimes I feel weird admitting that to people, because then I feel like the "women belong in the kitchen" stereotype, and like a loser because hardly anyone actually likes to cook.
But you know what they say, only 3 things in this world attracts people:
Music, Food, and Fire.

I learned how to make "stir-fry" at work today, and it was pretty cool. We have the sharpest knives I thought I was going to cut my fingers off. Luckily, I survived. I think it would be cool to work in the butchery, or at least just to try it.

Also, whenever I see a vegetarian* I think to myself "Every time you don't eat meat, I will eat twice my portion of meat to make up for yours" lmao. I wouldn't actually because I would get fat, but it would be funny.
Despite this, I'm still open to eating vegetarian and vegan meals.

*For the record, consumption of red meat led to the development of the human brain.

Someone called me every horrible name in the book. Then told me I had low self-esteem.
What a fucking jerk.

Subliminal Messaging

World Vision is the most depressing and feel-good television program-which I often watch when on a commercial break. For less than a dollar a day you can support a child blablabla. This is good.

After showing you a miserable poor child with a vitamin A deficiency making you feel like shit. Then they show a North American family calling in, why they made the decision, the story behind it, and the child receiving proper medication to make you feel great.
It would be funny if in the background music there was a subliminal message saying "You don't need that coffee everyday, support a child! Pick up the phone now...."

to be continued...

“This is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

The little things kill me

My iTunes is set to random. I have some old albums on there from when my siblings used this computer. "Outro" from the joint album The Split Program crafted by Caliban and Heaven Shall Burn [Caliban vs. Heaven Shall Burn] begins to play. Meanwhile, I'm playing solitaire in my solitude of the basement, not paying any particular attention to the music, when I hear a mumbling, so I turn it up. What do I hear, other than Jules death quote from Pulp Fiction.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." - Ezekiel 25:17.

Someone I used to know introduced me to Pulp Fiction. This person knew the very quote off by heart. It's the random shit that reminds me.




p.s. I've always thought Vincent (John Travolta) was the most cutest guy ever in that movie

Fuck marriage.

Recently, shit happened.
I wanted to hurt someone real bad because I was so angry, hurt and upset. I told someone who meant the world to me, and they told me if I ever did that they would have "kicked my ass out".
I was thinking about that today, and finally realized: this person who I loved from my very soul would actually hurt me to protect someone new who they barely know without hesitation.

Over a year and a half with the person I loved, and they would actually hit me.
A year and a fucking half and I don't mean anything. Not now, not ever. It wasn't a waste of my life, but what is it if it's not worth it in the end?
I wonder if he looks at his new toy and thinks "Maybe I would actually hit her"? Of course not. I'm sure he never thought of me like that when he actually liked me. Maybe one day he will think the same of her, and if he doesn't WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE HURT ME AND NOT HER?

After this, I won't ever fall in love the same way. I know I won't ever be the same. Every guy I date-no matter how crazy I am for them-I will ask myself what I would do in the end, and I know: I will never hurt them on purpose, even if I break up with them for another guy. Wait and give time. Patience & understanding.

At one time, I thought I would get married to someone I love. FUCK MARRIAGE. I'm too fucking young for that shit. I want to go out and have fun, drink until I pass out, be with new guys. Sometimes I feel confident like that, but I'm always reminded of what happened to me, and I cry and cry, because I feel like I could have been a better lover, a better person and a better friend.
I'm scared of my wedding day, because I don't think people marry for love. They marry because their too scared to be alone. Maybe you have dated people who you were more in love with, but in the end your stuck with someone.

Maybe one day I'll be ready to open myself up to someone new, share my deepest secrets, tell my stories and fall in love, but I know it wont be for a long time. Right now I feel like life is disposable and replaceable. Love is not acceptable, or maybe I don't want it. I hang out with a ton of guys and meet them, but I feel like it's just not worth it to fall in love.

In the words of Immortal Technique "don't fucking fall in love with people".

Daddy at 26

The story goes like this:
A woman and man in America decided to adopt a 10 year old Mexican boy. He was a wild child from the start. Getting into trouble, most likely causing stress. The father became an alcoholic. At 14 the boy was sent to Juvenile Detention for stealing a car with friends. He was the only one charged. While this went on, the mother died of a disease and the father died as well. He boy waited 2 years in Juvie until they located the next of kin: a just-married 26 year old man.
Isn't that weird that he is a father before he is a father.

The Train

Visiting a major city recently via train, I was unfortunate to have to sit in close proximity with an over 30 year old male, and his (relatively speaking) mentally retarded friend. They proceeded to have a conversation whilst sitting on opposite sides of the isle, and communicating by yelling. However bored and tired I was at the time on my way home after the sun just set, I could not help but be forced to listen to their conversation as it was right in my ear, and therefore I was forced to learn this one man's life story in approximately 20-30 minutes of torture.

In my short years, and most recently I have developed ideologies and opinions about our short lives. One is that 30 year old men fucking suck.

This man was so pathetic. He hadn't seen his kids in 6 weeks, calls them every Sunday, but this past Sunday they were eating dinner and were behaving well so he didn't want to disturb them so he said he would call them back another time. He also was moving to Calgary to get a new job, and he will miss his kids (who he doesn't seem to miss now, or else he would visit them often-his wife doesn't mind him visiting them) and if it doesn't work out then he always has a place to stay here.
What he actually mean to tell his friend is "I'm going through a mid-life crisis where I miss the freedom of being single and not married. I wish I could relive those days, so I will move to a foreign province in hopes of experiencing the same things again. If it doesn't work out, I will move back and accept that time can not be reversed.

The man beside me (sans-enfants) and the man across the isle (sans-vie) then discussed party opportunities and hooking up, in the most un-classy fashion. "Yeah...So next week I'm going to New York for a couple of days. I mean, there's the business meeting I have to go to on Monday, but for the next couple of days I'll go to bars and stuff. I don't go there to just hook up, but if something happens it happens. You know what I mean?" said sans-vie.
What Sans-vie obviously meant to say was "I am clearly going to brag to you about my success at being free as I am not married and I have had great success at not only being sent to another Country on business trips, but I will get laid while I am there."

Bach is usually boring.

When asked the rhetorical question "What do you know about music?" there's a lot you could say, but would feel foolish to answer aloud. One of the things I feel pretty confident about is my understanding of it and my feelings about it. As I reflect upon my past assumptions and thoughts on music, I smile, because experience and time really do change things, and only with those two factors have my present theories been conceived.

I mention this, because the other day I watched a documentary until 2 am on the most curious man, Glenn Gould-a Canadian pianist. The doc. was called "Glenn Gould: The Russian Journey". Fan-fucking-tastic! I loved it, just for the absurdity and total change this one man created.*

*As a side-note, while watching this documentary I happened to have my sketchbook at hand and began taking lecture notes...somehow?

In 1957 Gould visited Russia. He refused to sleep in a hotel room, stating that at home he was used to sleeping on a double bed, whereas in the hotel room they had two single beds pushed together to appear as a double bed. Upon rejection, Gould stayed in a room at the Canadian Embassy for the remainder of his stay. At this time, the USSR was newly opened up to visitors, which made any foreign person a spectacle, and this may be why as many people went to see him perform anyway.
His first concert was played at the Philharmonic Hall, with only half the lower seats taken, and a few people on the second level. He played Bach-which is not played often because let's face it-it's "boring"-quoted from one Leningrad musician(1) who was present for the 2nd movement.
After the 1st movement in the 40 minute intermission, the few people there were so deeply effected by Gould's playing raced to the telephones and called up their friends, demanding they come for the 2nd movement. When the intermission was over, every seat in the hall was filled.
The eye-witness musician(1) stated that to this day 60 years later, he believes that Gould was an alien visitor on Earth.
I wonder about this, because first of all it sounds ridiculous, but then you hear this man play. If I were to try my best and describe what makes him different than anyone else, I would say it's the strange way the tempo & rhythm are so precise, his movements are just right, the phrasing and the unbelievable cadence.
His second performance was at the Maly Hall, Leningrad Philharmonic. And his 3rd performance was at the Glaznov Hall-which has terrible acoustics for the listener.

Did Gould reach a level of musical understanding more advanced than the rest of us? Was this what makes him so "alien" to us? Not even just his playing is so out-of-this-world, but the way he spoke about music. With precision, and quickly, but not withheld or restrained. The documentary showed a video clip of his lecture on music within the Leningrad conservation. He wanted to elevate the students, but they insisted on him playing Bach-which he did.
Everything about Gould intrigued the students-from the complexity of how he played, how he wore gloves and never shook hands, how his mouth was in constant motion sometimes singing, sometimes muttering- to how he sat (actually, this would intrigue anyone, since he sat on a VERY low CHAIR with his knees almost to his elbows).
Bach was not played often, for it's "unorthodox" ideas, and was not played at schools of music because everything was controlled by officers. Why didn't the officers stop him from playing Bach for the students? Who knows...perhaps the officers let the foreigner play because they thought nothing of it. Little did they know that Gould would be the spark the lit the barn on fire.

Glenn wrote letters from the USSR to his pet dog, Banquo. He wrote about how there were few stray dogs, because they were all killed in the war. The most popular kind of dog was an unclipped poodle, and that there were no collies.

"A Berlin Wall existed in music as well." - unknown.
Previously, Russian music was very Romantic, with certain styles that remained unchanging throughout the centuries. The USSR banned certain musicians and certainly anything new. Foreign records were nearly impossible to come by, and rarely sold in stores.


....to be completed

You

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I throw up.
I can't listen to my music, because almost every song reminds me of you.
You sicken me.
I should have seen this coming, because love is blind, and I didn't want to believe my first love could ever hurt me.
No more "babykinz", no more watching movies together, no more joking around, no more cuddling and wresting, no more taking me to shows, no more sweet surprises. You didn't do any of those things for a long time.
All you did was use me, and lie to me.
I should have seen the signs.

I have never been in so much pain in my life.
The aching I felt and still feel is unbearable. If there was a gun next to me, I would have used it.
Dragging my nails across my chest and torso, begging for it to stop, for you to change your mind, for this to not be happening.
Letting out a cry like a wounded animal, full of so much pain.

It surprises me that the heart isn't physical-I know it is, like for pumping blood- but I mean an actual thing that can be physically hurt.

The next day, after it happened, I went to church. I took communion. I pushed that dry piece of bread in my mouth around with a dry tongue. I contemplated my life. I also was on the verge of up-chucking that grape juice and dry-heaving, because God knows that wouldn't be the first time I threw up that day.
I held back vomit, I held back tears.
What is worse: living because there is a God, and it has been pre-planned that you experience such extreme pain, or living an existence in chaos where anything is possible?
I felt like a liar sitting in the church pews, lying to everyone around me. At that moment I didn't believe God exists, because I don't understand how God can watch as one of his children begs for life to end.

Food tastes like a repulsive molasses that my throat closes up upon when I try to swallow. But usually my throat wouldn't obey my commands, so for now I've stopped trying. No matter how much water I drink, my mouth is always dry.
With my stomach in a knot, its almost unbearable to even brush my teeth in case I hit that dangly thing and there goes my breakfast. So I've stopped trying.
That strawberry was sour. That milk felt like bird poop. That yogurt tasted like the green gunk you get in your throat when you have a cold.
And then I think of you and here, and there goes my food again when I drop everything and run to the toilet and there it flies out of my mouth, dramatically fleeing my silent nightmare and into the sewer system.

You are a coward, for not doing it face to face. I would rather cry in front of you and let you hear the pain on my voice, and see my body convulse as I threw up.
You are a liar. You used me for so long. After all we've been through, you still don't love me enough to not hurt me again. But you did, and you have no regrets, even if for my sake you wouldn't do it if you could go back in time to stop yourself from doing that thing that hurt me more than breaking up.

I finally saw your disgusting figure at school. I can't believe I had asked for a hug over the phone with you the night before.
I knew you had changed in a year, but not that much. I realized I wanted a hug from the old you, who would have never hurt me that bad. I saw your hands, your face, chest, and mouth.
When I looked at you, I didn't just see you, I saw you with another girl on your lap. Rubbing your cock with her hand, and you hard as hell and loving every minute of it. Making out with her.

I hate what you did.

We could have been friends after,
But that's not what you wanted, or you never would have gone with her.

We still could have been friends even after that,
But you clearly expressed how you felt to me:
- no regrets
- i want to make out with other girls
- it felt right
- when we do it i think of other girls
- your ugly and let yourself go
- your a prune and boring

Genetically modified mutant food, or ethically changed food distribution?

Question: Would you rather eat genetically modified foods grown without pesticides, or eat natural foods grown with pesticides?

Difficult as this question may be, I think its important to fully understand the background to this question before answering seriously.

Genetically modified foods (GMO's) are extremely common in North America, because of their fast growing rates and ability to grow in cold climates. GMO's are made when DNA from an existing organism is combined with it's DNA to create a new species, or enhanced species.
There are many different kinds of altered foods, so remember not to group them all in together.

In my personal opinion, even though it is unknown what the side effects of GMO's x bacteria/molds etc are, I think it is okay.
My major concern is with the hybrid plants x animals. At first I felt like this is wrong, because it is not "natural", but then I thought, would it have a conscienceness? Do animals have conscieness? Would a tomato with artic fish gene have a conscienceness?

going to bed...continue this later ;)

"If Pluto isn't a planet... Then Midgets aren't people."

This is so silly. Did they REALLY have to officially classify Pluto as a dwarf? Who knows...

The interesting thing about this facebook group, is that people answer the question of "What's on YOUR mind?" and it amazes me to consider how many people are thinking different things right now, at the same time. And its funny, because these are pretty similar to mine! :P

Just trollin' Obama's facebook...

I actually love Obama's campaign and his goals. Here is his new strategy to involve Americans etc. which I personally think is pretty smart. Some people's reactions were really nice, and others were extreme, and some were just funny*.

* Some people really don't understand politics

Here are my favorites:


This person ^ I'm really proud of because a) no bragging and b) probably voted for the first time in their life :)


Reply to someone who said that it's not fair because undocumented people are not allowed to vote -.-

This person should boycott all automotive cars that run on oil. But I'm sure this person is too concerned with personal gain and freedom to have a car to bother doing so. And hey, while your at it, maybe you should get a job and stop complaining about wealth.

I agree(ish). ^ I think racism is why a lot of people don't vote, and prevents people from truly listening to what a politician has to say.
Clearly, fourteen year olds should really learn some manners and grow up and have enough education and experience to understand how the government and politics really are.
If this can't be achieved, I sentense her to 2 months of grounding for bad language.


lmao ^ extremists
yay!
Make that 3 months of detention. 1 more for agreeing to an insult. n00b
^ Continuing the fight about 14 year olds. (purple & lime green pwn)
Agree.

The week that was....angry

week before march break: receive project, 3 hand in dates
week of march break: go to Chicago
week after march break:
- sunday: 2:30 AM, arrive home from Chicago, very tired
- monday: miss 1st class, very tired.
- tuesday: begin project, partner working. Go to library and research for 2 hours.
- wednesday: I work. Only my work calls and says I don't work that day (wtf?), begin writing paragraphs
- thursday: miss 1st class, mental breakdown/panic attack, go to 2nd for quiz (utterly fail quiz), go to 3rd for food LAB (great success). Whole time feel sick and nauseous. Hang out with boyfriend for 4th period for first time in week. Feel guilty, go to 5th. Do nothing, feel VERY sick, bike to partners house for project. Both of us completely exhausted. Get the Bristol board done. Due tomorrow. Forced to bike home in cold dropping temperatures. Migrane. Shivering. No gloves. Wearing thin leggings. Sore neck. sleep for 1/2 hour. continue working.

FRIDAY: music teacher expects a 7 AM rehearsal for band.

FML

Art

Today, my work forgot about me, and I forgot about my homework. Figuring out my life is very troublesome, and I guess that itself is life. But the simple things take more time to contemplate then the big adventures.
For example; how do I get into the mood of writing about Jean Paul Marat for history while I'm having difficulty avoiding my dog's sneak attack farts and feel creative failure?
Sure I've done some crazy artwork in the past, such as The Onion of Life, and The Lemon-Hive, but I feel like the whole worlds singing to me "Your still disappointing" - Circa Survive. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of my artistic abilities.

The Onion of Life

The Lemon-Hive

I guess I'm just waiting for that one inspiration that will keep me up all day with a paintbrush in my hand, and hopefully wont interfere with my homework.

Chicago.

I recently traveled to Chicago, and man, was it ever amazing! I think I've always been a supporter for Eco-friendly items, but more than that, I'm a supporter for new innovative Eco-friendly solutions.

Here are a few:
1. Garden or grass rooftops
2. The downfall of shopping malls in the middle of no-where surrounded by acres of pavement
3. Fuel emissions lowered by a strict standard
4. More community open grassy/park spaces*
5. Less fences
6. Keep concrete to a minimum
7. Build UP
8. Make use of non-damaging forms of energy (solar panel + heat)
9. Improve recycling systems (paper)
10. No more mass suburban development on unused land

* If the government bitches about not having enough space in an urban/suburban community, tell them: THEN MAKE SPACE!

Well, we can't all exist in my communist dream world. *sigh* -.-

Back to Chicago. I thought it would be a big bustling city, and it is, but it is one of the most beautiful cities I've ever seen. Although they did have some of the largest wastes-of-space buildings, I give them praise.
I guess in the 80's they started to remove the mass industrial buildings from along the lake shore, and now it is a beautiful blue surrounding the city.
If only my Toronto would do the same. I think Toronto's fatal mistake is trying to jam as many condos along the water front as possible. Great buildings, but hideous location. Now no one can see the (dirty) lake unless they buy a condo.

I'm not asking for a revolution here, I'm just asking for a little force of Government to take control and save what we have-because honestly, sooner or later with too much building development along our great lakes, and we will all look like we live in the city like in Blade Runner.

This is Chicago.